Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
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Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
#Caturday
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.