[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
You Might Also Like
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
At what age should you put the tonsils back in