*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
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Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t