tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Owl Sanctuary
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.