TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
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Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights