Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
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The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
The news
Lunatics are gonna loon.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.