Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
You Might Also Like
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Good advice.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.