TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
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I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend