Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.