Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
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New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”