Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Sorry not sorry.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
😎 🍻
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.