[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Me sliding into hell like
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]