Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

Duolingo getting serious.

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too