Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
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my fav colour is also hitler
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I love it all
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.