[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
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My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.