Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
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The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.