Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
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If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.