Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

Geez man, take it easy.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

Your honor these allegations are

#Caturday

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

the rocks need my help

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.