Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
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Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.