Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.
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People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
My biological clock is wheezing.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this