Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
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I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
my nickname in college
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
The Friday File.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*