@lifeisforkedup

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

You Might Also Like

@UncleDuke1969

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

@JohnnyRiggs9

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

@crunchenhanced

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

@itsBABYSMITH

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

@bobvulfov

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

@osigat

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

@SteveSuckington

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

@TheAlexNevil

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

@Mardigroan

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.