Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
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Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*
“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.