Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
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One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
#parenting
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …