Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

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Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.


Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once


I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.


When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”


like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.


sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen


My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”


[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”


Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope


Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.