Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
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Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.