Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
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Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Name this drama.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up