Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.