Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
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DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.