tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
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Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?