Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
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I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat