Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
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sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
that wasn’t the question
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.