Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
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Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I put the p in pants.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Cashiers are always checking me out
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
not for long
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
my professor scared me for a second
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.