Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
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Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
only 11 steps left
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Knock Knock
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
my sentiments exactly
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy