Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
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her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.