Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.