Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
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i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I ate everything, including the H.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob