Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
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It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Meanwhile in Canada…
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.