Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
favorite tropes as memes
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
But I really needed water water water
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though