*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
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“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Webb. James Webb.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?