*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
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GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series