*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
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Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Wait a second…
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.