[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
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netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.