*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
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Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
.. do you even science?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.