*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
You Might Also Like
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs