*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
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Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress