* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
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This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.