*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.