*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
You Might Also Like
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
ACED my prostate exam!
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
The answer is funnier than the question
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.