*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.