[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.