*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
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Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
When you don’t understand how floors work
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.