*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
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Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?