*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
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[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
We found love in a hopeless place.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?