*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
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Doormats are a gateway rug.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.